Since the dawn of time has the question been asked: are otters evil? This journalist travelled around the world to find out.
Our story begins in the rural community of Charlemont, MA, where students at The Academy at Charlemont are plagued by an infestation of vindictive otters. English teacher Abe Loomis said “I got out of my car this morning and one was waiting for me. It bit my leg. EVERYWHERE I GO, THEY FOLLOW. I CAN’T GET AWAY FROM THEM!” At this point in the interview, there is a tap on the window. We looked over to see a small otter pawing the window, gnashing his teeth. I was unable to get further comment from Mr. Loomis due to sudden-onset coma. I next asked history teacher David Perry what he thought about the infestation. “I don’t mind them,” he said, giving his pet otter Razzle an Ottersnack ™, “I think they’re kind of cuddly. In fact, I’m petitioning we get rid of that silly aardvark and have an otter as a mascot.” The students were unavailable for comment, as most were roaming the halls, foaming at the mouth. Mr. Perry assured me that was in no way connected to the otter problem. “Kids today. They’ll do anything to get out of homework,” was his explanation. After giving Razzle one last Ottersnack, I left this small school, unsure of my findings.
Next, I travelled to sunny California, where the otter is the state animal. Here, the small creatures are treated with love and respect. I visited one Mrs. Abigail Peterson, who has the prestigious title of Extraordinary Otter Caregiver, which she won in the 2005 Otterlympics. In her expansive living room were several small platters with fish and grapes on them, surrounded by cushy pillows on which at least ten otters lounged. One otter with a bow attached to her collar wandered the room stately, with her tail draped over her arm. When i enquired about this fancy otter, Mrs. Peterson replied, “That’s Augusta, she’s my prizewinner. She’s won blue ribbons all over the country.” I inquired of Mrs. Peterson whether the otters ever bit her, to which she said “Oh no, my darlings would never hurt me, or anyone else. They’re incredibly well-mannered.” After shaking Mrs. Peterson’s hand and bowing to Augusta, who stared down her snout at me and merely twitched it in a huff at my attempted sweep, I left those otters behind, and boarded a plane for Africa.
The otters in Africa are famous for their viciousness. I spoke to one otter hunter as we crouched in the bramble, watching two otters at play. Fur was flying, tooth and eye glinting, but Mr. Bartholomew Niswonger assured me that it was a standard meet and greet. “The African otter,” he told me in a whisper, “is the most feared animal in the sahara. Ever heard of a honey badger?”
Honey Badgers, number 2 on this list, and second only to the terrifying Sydney Funnel Web Spider, “are the most aggressive animals alive. They will consume venomous snakes, stand up against elephants, and eat honey straight out of the hive while being swarmed by bees. And African bees are the source of the ultra-aggressive killer bees known to terrorize the Western Hemisphere. They will quickly devise their enemies’ weakest points and relentlessly attack it (i.e. the gonads on a human male).”
After describing a Honey Badger to me, i was shaking in my boots. Then he proceeded to say, “But Honey Badgers got nothing on the African Otter.” I took his word for it and quickly left the site of the otters, and the country.
After compiling my evidence, i think that it is fair to say that while otters may be bribed to be nice, at heart, they want to rip your eyes out and eat them.
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